Bad News

Now for the really bad news!

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

Dear Mr. Obo,

I am surprised by your replies because I must be truthful with you and tell you that I was very shocked when I opened your package. Before I even opened the box I was suspicious that something was wrong. In the bottom corner there was a small hole about 3 inches wide which looked like it had been chewed open. On opening the package I was given a great shock as some kind of rodent jumped out and nearly had my eye out, the little bastard. My personal assistant Mr. Ernest Crevis acted quickly and managed to capture the rodent with his fireman’s helmet.

As you can see by the attached image, something very wrong has happened to the carving. I was greatly impressed by the original photographs that you sent to me on August 9th however the pictures you sent to me are proof of some very disturbing happenings during the shipping to me. Not only does the carving seem to have changed colour but two very large holes have been chewed into the head by the rodent which nearly left me cyclopic.

We managed to capture the responsible rodent and so as not to make it too nervous of its surroundings we decided to keep it in the bust so that it has familiar surroundings for the moment. We will be calling out a vet in the morning to try to identify the species of animal that it is. After that I am not sure what we shall do with it.

I am afraid that this problem leaves us in a rather uncertain predicament Mr. Obo. As I noted to you in my email of August 4th; we cannot accept any kind of damaged artwork, and I am sure you will agree with me that having a rodent tunnel through your cranium is definitely damaging. I can if you wish return the artwork back to you however you may feel (as we do) that it is unfit for any kind of purpose other than the rubbish dump.

As a consequence of the above I am afraid that my board members cannot reach any agreement on any amount of payment so I must tell you that your application for a donation.scholarship payment will be refused. You have three choices open to you at this point:

1. You may submit another artwork sample.
2. If you do not wish to work on another carving you may wish to apply for our photography donation/scholarship payment instead.
3. You may wish to refuse any further work in which case we thank you for your time and wish you good luck.

Please get back to me as soon as possible with your decision. We realise of course that these problems are not your own doing so we would want to try to help you in other areas as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

I attach photographic proof of the ghastly state of the carving:

There is no real damage to the bust of course. I added the squirrel and other damage in Photoshop.

 

 

Obo is of course not a happy man, and not just because of his looming demise.

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: reply fast.

Brian,

I must first confess that i was totally surprice at what i saw in you recent mail to me. well,

1. i want you to send me the damage artwork,so that my lawer could take legal case with the poster agency.
2. i want the artwork to pick up legal case with the specialist wood seller.
3. and finally i will procecute the art and antiquity commission here in my country, for certifying it save.

i am realy shock at the development.cos i had spent much. if you are sending it use my poster address.

thanks

Ony eugene Obo.

 

 

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

Dear Mr. Ony,

I shall arrange with my secretary to have your artwork returned as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

 

 

A couple of weeks go by, and of course I’m not actually going to return the bust.

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: reminder

Brian Anthony

i need your reply in respect to my last mail. i want to remind you that my lawyer had file pepers in respect of the work you claim to have being damaged and i is awaiting the arrival of the work to commence action, the court procedings shall last for aleast severer months. unfailily i shall be needing the art work by 5th of october, please do send it.

regards

Ony.

I don’t bother to reply!

 

 

Obo’s getting impatient now, and even accuses me of manipulating the photograph of the damaged head. I’m insulted!

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: Re: reminder

Brian Anthony

i shall be trutful to you mr Brian , i mailed you about severer times now and i got no reply from you. i have not got my artwork sent to me , neither have you send my donation to me. i must tell you sincerely that what you send to me was a perfect deceit of andvance use of graphics into manipulating the original pictorar work i did for. at this point i seek that you honestly pay me just as i have honestly done and send the work down to you in uk . as i write you now my lawyer is already poise to execute the legal procedings.

 

 

Well, what can I say. I’m rather upset that I should be accused of underhand tactics.

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

Dear Mr. Obo,

You carving was shipped back to you LAST week. I send you a SCAN of the shipping receipt LAST WEEK (I didn’t, but he doesn’t know that!). The shipping receipt showed CLEARLY the delivery date to you would be September 28th. You did not have the good manners to reply to me to confirm that you had received it.

How DARE you insinuate that I have done something negative against you, HOW DARE YOU. You will apologise IN WRITING to me IMMEDIATELY or else you can go to Hell and forget any partnership.

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

 

 

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: read this

dear mr Brian,

i must be honest with at this point that i have not receive my work back.as i mail you now i had prosecuted the specialist wood seller. i am not guessing ,i have not got the work, remember i sent a like pattern address as this. p.o box . 1xxx oshodi lagos nigeria. . so as am mailing you now i have not gone to the post office. and let me tell i did not get any receipt of your sending my work to me what so ever. may be you mistaken some letters in my email address.

i am yet to get the work . i shall notify you should i recieve the work.

regards

Ony.

 

 

A short and sweet reply.

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

You will get NOTHING from me until I receive a full HANDWRITTEN apology for your previous INSULT to me.

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

 

 

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: apology

Brian Anthony –

so do you mean you have not sent the work over to me. am so sorry for insulting you at the first place, cos i know by your statement that you did not send it. could you send me the work or my donation.

GOD BLESS YOU AS you do this,

your pontential partner.

Ony

 

 

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

Your apology is not accepted. I want it hand written on paper, scanned, and then sent to me as a email attachment. You must write a MINIMUM of 20 lines of apology.

When, and ONLY when you have done this will I send you a scan of the shipping receipt for the artwork and of course the contact details for the shipping company.

If you are not prepared to do as I ask then please do not reply to this email.

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

 

 

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: Re: apology

what do you think you are doing by this act that i should scan a hand written apology letter to you, dont you know that it will cost me cash to do all of that. even as i mail you am paying for the tiket.

what i need is my money or my art work. if you fear and honour GOD , do send my cash or my artwork.

you shall be hearing from me .

regards.

Ony.

 

 

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

Do not contact me again unless you are sending your hand written apology.

Goodbye.

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

 

 

I don’t receive any reply from Obo for just over two weeks, and just as I am beginning to suspect he has given up on me, I get this:

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: what is delaying my donation

Brian Anthony –

i have do what you ask me to do , what is now delaying my donation , i want you to understand that ii could give you more work should you so desire , at my donation. please do send me my donation. i am sorry for the insult i did to you.

Ony eugene.

 

 

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

What donation? I do not owe you any money at all. You sent DAMAGED work in to my company, which I have returned to you. All I have received so far from you is my valuable time wasted.

I told you before that you would get no further help from me until I received a written and scanned apology.

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

 

 

From: Ony Obo
To: Brian Anthony
Subject: doc/apology

dear mr Brian,

i have forwarded an attached handwritten letter to you , check on attachment to fine it. i know you are a quiet gentle man . do send my donation ,so that we could go down to business.

Ony Obo’s apology letter:

 

 

Nice one Obo; you will now get your reward…. kind of.

From: Brian Anthony
To: Ony Obo

Dear Mr. Obo,

Thank you for your apology. It takes a big and noble man to give such an apology, so for that I thank you once more.

As I told you previously, your carving was shipped back to you on September 16th and you should have received it by now. However having said that I do not recall receiving confirmation from the shipping company ( www.klingontrading.co.uk ) however you may if you wish contact them as the recipient to enquire as to the status of your package.

Please find attached a copy of my shipping receipt.

Sincerely,

Brian Anthony
Director
Brian Anthony Fine Arts

I attach the shipping receipt (fake of course!):

Hopefully Obo won’t notice I signed the receipt “Shiver Metimbers”….

 

 

Obo doesn’t reply to me, but instead contacts Ranjit Burger in the Delivery Confirmation department of Klingon Shipping.

From: Ony Obo
To: Klingon Shipping
Subject: where is my shipment

dear klingon,

my name is mr Ony moses Obo, whose artifact was shipped via your company,on the 16th of september had not got to me till date, i saw the receipt via which it was sent , but why has my burst head not got to me.please i want you to get my work back to me .

here is my addreass. P.O. BOX 1xxx , OSHODI LAGOS NIGERIA.

Ony.

 

 

From: Ranjit Burger
To: Ony Obo

Dear Sir.

Thank you for contacting Klingon Shipping. My name is Ranjit and I hope I can be of service to you. I have spoken to our shipping staff and have been given the full facts.

Unfortunately, it appears that during the overnight storage period before airmail courier shipping, your package sustained quite extensive damage due to the fact that a rodent had been sealed within the package. One of our staff spotted that the packaging appeared to be damaged and our delivery manager ordered it to be inspected for safety reasons. On inspection, we found a dead rodent which had obviously suffocated due to lack of air within the package, and it appears that the rodent had chewed approximately 80% of the wooden carving inside the package. I can only assume that the creature did this in order to try to create more space inside the package for itself. I am afraid that the carving is almost totally destroyed.

Our insurance department immediately took the rodent to the vetenary surgeon for inspection to ascertain the cause of death, which it transpired was a case of stuffmefatgutzwivwud, which in laymen’s terms means it was poisoned by ingesting too much of the wood from the carving, which also contained various trace chemicals, which encouraged the death even more.

Under normal circumstances, as the package initially appeared to have been damaged in our possession, we would of course compensate the owner to the full value of the item, however we were informed by a local the vetenary surgeon that in fact the rodent was an African Tree squirrel (Helioscirurus sp.) and could only have come from your part of the world, unless of course it had escaped from a local zoo, which I find very unlikely as we have no motorbikes in the city.

Consequently I contacted the person who packaged the item, a Mr. B. Anthony, and was informed by him that in fact the rodent was present in the package when he received it, and that when he shipped it back to you he assumed it was dead so left it in the package as some kind of proof to you of what had happened. Of course, it now transpires that the rodent was not dead, but sleeping, and whilst in our warehouse it chewed even more into the wood.

I am afraid that we cannot allow this item to be shipped as it is a health hazard, and compensation is out of the question as you screwed up. It will be stored in one of our large storage freezers until such time as you contact Mr. Anthony and discuss what action you both wish to take.

For your records I attach a photograph of the opened packaging.

Sincerely.

Ranjit Burger
Delivery Confirmation Dept.
Klingon Shipping

I quickly knock up a Photoshop of the packaging, dead fat squirrel, and damaged bust:

Just in case it’s not obvious to some people, no squirrel was hurt during this scambait! Lets hope Obo doesn’t notice that the squirrel seems to have changed colour since the last photo…

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